I Hated This Dream

July 12, 2005
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This weekend I was desparately looking for that VHS copy of the Kentucky Derby from 1983. Our horse, Sunny's Halo won that year and there are segments of that broadcast, and interviews where my mother is talking.

I forgot what she sounded like. I think I remember. Especially when I talk to either of my sisters, I can her in their voices. But I cant honestly say that I remember Mom's voice and its so disturbing to me.

She died September 25, 1985, three months before my 17th birthday. I guess 20 years is a long time.


Then I had a disturbing dream Sunday. In the dream I was sleeping on the floor of my Grandparents living room, in thier old house. It was very windy outside so you could hear it moaning.The drapes were open to the front window where I could see out side, the front porch light was on and unusually bright.
I lay there quiet, wide awake and stared at the window. Not anticipating or expecting anything. Just staring.

Then, without warning, Mom apeared. walking up the porch stairs to the door. She was wearing one of her satin night gowns. As she walked by the window, she didnt look inside she just had this vacant look on her face. Staring straight ahead til she passed out of frame.
I dont remember opening the door but she was in the living room and we were both standing facing eachother.
I hugged her and askd her if she ever found Jesus.

She didnt hug me back.

She didnt even look at me. She looked so sad and so confused.

And that was it. The end of my dream.

Regrets Part l

I STOOD AT THE KITCHEN SINK IN DADS KITCHEN AND HEARD WHAT HE SAID. I CAN HEAR IT AS IF IT WERE YESTERDAY. I WAS DOING THE DISHES. HOW COULD I HAVE IGNORED HIM? HE WASN'T MY ENEMY HE WAS MY FATHER, AND WE LOVED EACH OTHER. HE NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING. AND THE ONE TIME HE DID, I ZONED OUT.

"I SURE WOULD LIKE TO SEE DODGER STADIUM ONE LAST TIME" HE SAID.

I HEARD HIM, BUT I KEPT WASHING THE DISHES. I REMEMBER LOOKING AT THE GLASS I MADE HIS CHOCOLATE SHAKE IN AND WASHING THE INSIDE OF IT. AND I DIDN'T SAY A WORD, I GLANCED UP FOR A SECOND AND HE WAS SORT OF STARING OFF. AND I WENT BACK TO THAT FUCKING DISHWATER.

IT HAD ONLY BEEN ABOUT 3 WEEKS SINCE DAD HAD COME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL. I HADMY FRIEND SAMANTHA WATCH MY APARTMENT IN WEST HOLLYWOOD, AND I PACKED UP SOME CLOTHES, A FEW OF MY FAVORITE CD'S AND MOVED TO REDONDO BEACH TO BE WITH DAD WHO HAD CANCER. IT HAD TAKEN OVER HIS LUNGS, AND AGGRESSIVE TREATMENT WAS NOT AN OPTION. THERE WERE NO OPTIONS ACCEPT FOR HOSPICE. I REMEMBER BEFORE THAT LAST VISIT TO THE DR'S HIM SAYING,

"SONNY, I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN A HOSPITAL"

I DIDN'T EVEN PAUSE TO THINK, AND SAID,

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO."

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG HE WOULD LIVE FOR. MY MOTHER LIVED FOR A FEW YEARS BATTLING BREAST CANCER BEFORE SHE DIED. BUT I HAD NO CLUE THAT HE WOULD GO SO FAST. I FELT I HAD BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK.

SO IM 'GETTING IT OUT. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH AND ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE ITS BASEBALL SEASON. EVERY TIME I HEAR VIN SCULLY, ON THE RADIO OR TV I GET A SENSE OF COMFORT AND GUILT BACK TO BACK.

INTELLECTUALLY I KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT, AND THAT I WAS A GOOD KID,. BUT THERE IS NO LOGIC WHEN IT COMES TO FEELINGS. NOT REAL FEELINGS. NOT MY FEELINGS.

HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO GO TO A GAME. HE ONLY WANTED TO SEE THE STADIUM ONE MORE TIME.

JPW JR.