Regrets Part l

I STOOD AT THE KITCHEN SINK IN DADS KITCHEN AND HEARD WHAT HE SAID. I CAN HEAR IT AS IF IT WERE YESTERDAY. I WAS DOING THE DISHES. HOW COULD I HAVE IGNORED HIM? HE WASN'T MY ENEMY HE WAS MY FATHER, AND WE LOVED EACH OTHER. HE NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING. AND THE ONE TIME HE DID, I ZONED OUT.

"I SURE WOULD LIKE TO SEE DODGER STADIUM ONE LAST TIME" HE SAID.

I HEARD HIM, BUT I KEPT WASHING THE DISHES. I REMEMBER LOOKING AT THE GLASS I MADE HIS CHOCOLATE SHAKE IN AND WASHING THE INSIDE OF IT. AND I DIDN'T SAY A WORD, I GLANCED UP FOR A SECOND AND HE WAS SORT OF STARING OFF. AND I WENT BACK TO THAT FUCKING DISHWATER.

IT HAD ONLY BEEN ABOUT 3 WEEKS SINCE DAD HAD COME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL. I HADMY FRIEND SAMANTHA WATCH MY APARTMENT IN WEST HOLLYWOOD, AND I PACKED UP SOME CLOTHES, A FEW OF MY FAVORITE CD'S AND MOVED TO REDONDO BEACH TO BE WITH DAD WHO HAD CANCER. IT HAD TAKEN OVER HIS LUNGS, AND AGGRESSIVE TREATMENT WAS NOT AN OPTION. THERE WERE NO OPTIONS ACCEPT FOR HOSPICE. I REMEMBER BEFORE THAT LAST VISIT TO THE DR'S HIM SAYING,

"SONNY, I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN A HOSPITAL"

I DIDN'T EVEN PAUSE TO THINK, AND SAID,

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO."

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG HE WOULD LIVE FOR. MY MOTHER LIVED FOR A FEW YEARS BATTLING BREAST CANCER BEFORE SHE DIED. BUT I HAD NO CLUE THAT HE WOULD GO SO FAST. I FELT I HAD BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK.

SO IM 'GETTING IT OUT. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH AND ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE ITS BASEBALL SEASON. EVERY TIME I HEAR VIN SCULLY, ON THE RADIO OR TV I GET A SENSE OF COMFORT AND GUILT BACK TO BACK.

INTELLECTUALLY I KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT, AND THAT I WAS A GOOD KID,. BUT THERE IS NO LOGIC WHEN IT COMES TO FEELINGS. NOT REAL FEELINGS. NOT MY FEELINGS.

HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO GO TO A GAME. HE ONLY WANTED TO SEE THE STADIUM ONE MORE TIME.

JPW JR.