I Hated This Dream

July 12, 2005
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This weekend I was desparately looking for that VHS copy of the Kentucky Derby from 1983. Our horse, Sunny's Halo won that year and there are segments of that broadcast, and interviews where my mother is talking.

I forgot what she sounded like. I think I remember. Especially when I talk to either of my sisters, I can her in their voices. But I cant honestly say that I remember Mom's voice and its so disturbing to me.

She died September 25, 1985, three months before my 17th birthday. I guess 20 years is a long time.


Then I had a disturbing dream Sunday. In the dream I was sleeping on the floor of my Grandparents living room, in thier old house. It was very windy outside so you could hear it moaning.The drapes were open to the front window where I could see out side, the front porch light was on and unusually bright.
I lay there quiet, wide awake and stared at the window. Not anticipating or expecting anything. Just staring.

Then, without warning, Mom apeared. walking up the porch stairs to the door. She was wearing one of her satin night gowns. As she walked by the window, she didnt look inside she just had this vacant look on her face. Staring straight ahead til she passed out of frame.
I dont remember opening the door but she was in the living room and we were both standing facing eachother.
I hugged her and askd her if she ever found Jesus.

She didnt hug me back.

She didnt even look at me. She looked so sad and so confused.

And that was it. The end of my dream.